Be happy today… it’s a choice

I decided to be happy and grateful at least just for the day. I decided to find pleasure in the tiny things around me. I decided not to complain about anything whatsoever and accept the suffering within me and around me as part of my journey today. I decided that because, I woke up angry... Continue Reading →

For NOW, I just want to be OK.

I want to scream for hours or days or maybe more… I want to scream until I combust into ashes. But instead I sit here in silence waiting for this to pass, to disappear, as it usually subconsciously does, suppressed into a dream or body ache or delayed depression to be dealt with in any... Continue Reading →

Domestic Abuse… PTSD?

I downloaded the first episode from a series called “Maid” on Netflix to watch while my daughter finishes training… got my coffee and sat in the sun. The weather was just perfect, cool breeze and warming sunshine. Kids playing calmly from a far. I put my AirPods on and pressed play. Right in the middle... Continue Reading →

I got you…

He took her in his arms and kissed her on the head… he told her “I got you". She felt his warmth and care…She felt safe in his arms, for this was where she belonged… I felt tears running down my cheeks and my breath stopped.  I remembered how unsafe I felt with him… how... Continue Reading →

Picture Perfect

It was a common kid’s birthday party, where I suddenly felt undeniable like on outlier. I was the other woman, the single between so many couples, the lone parent. I was going with my kids and him with his family. I do know his wife and kids, and actually traveled with her once, but this... Continue Reading →

Loving him out of his Anger

Together we’re a good team, I would tell myself. A team that no one else would understand, but we made it work. These are thoughts that would help me get over the lonely times… the times when he couldn't seem to understand my pain or disappointment or hurt feelings or even sacrifices I have made for... Continue Reading →

Admitting my Role in Boundary crossing…

I was bored and lonely and angry that my life has primarily been revolving around my kids when I could be doing so much more, should be doing so much more… angry about the fact that I still don’t know what I should be doing with my life… angry that my social circle is closing... Continue Reading →

A Marriage that does Not End!

I haven’t written anything in quite some time. Not that the past months haven’t been eventful, at least emotionally, but other than for a few new incidents, they’ve just been redundant. The same patterns with the same anger and pain and pettiness and… excitement and vulnerability and passion I guess… with the same confrontation and... Continue Reading →

When simple Niceness is impressive…

Suddenly he’s nice... suddenly he drops compliments and subtle flirtations and even jokes with me. Suddenly he’s sending me music that reminds him of me and even wants to help me find a job and a passion. He even offered to drive me home one day and helped me with a flat tire after a... Continue Reading →

Such Passion is Prayer…

Laying in my bed after he left, the same bed he was just on, smelling him on my pillow and on my sheets… in awe of what just happened. I could still feel his lips on me, his hands upon me, his arms embracing me, his breath united with mine. I was in complete serenity.... Continue Reading →

Being there for Him… Forcing him to let go…

I knew I had to back off… it was getting too complicated lately and I didn’t want to use him like that anymore... he started saying things like "I missed you" and "I don't know how we could stop" and "You're addictive". As flattering as that is, I didn't want him to miss me... and... Continue Reading →

Sex, as a refuge, blues

I have sex for all kinds of reasons, one of which is, of course, my relentless passionate desires and the love of sex and seduction itself. But I also find refuge in fucking... I have had sex when I’m happy and when I’m sad, when I am angry or frustrated and when I’m confident and... Continue Reading →

Sex for my own Validation…

Following up on my last post Releasing my Sexual Energy with a Friend. He passed by again the following night… it was a much smoother conversation, albeit filled with sexual insinuations. Although, I had no idea how it was going to go, nonetheless, I did think about it and plan for it just in case... Continue Reading →

Releasing my Sexual Energy with a Friend

A couple of days ago a friend of mine passed by… We ordered food and had wine along with a very long and profound conversation about our fucked up marriages and ended up talking about our sex lives during our marriages. We had very different experiences. For me sex was of the most important reasons... Continue Reading →

Pictures… Accepting my Sufferings

I was posting an Instagram story for a friend and found myself scrolling through old pictures. Without even noticing I found myself led to a very long trip down memory lane… 16 years of memories of our life together. If anyone saw them, they would probably swear that we were one of the happiest and... Continue Reading →

Cheers to all our memories…

This is how I feel now. I don’t know if this is going to change, or it’s only because I have pulled myself out of the drama for the past month, but hopefully not… because finally I reached a good place about all this. About a month ago, he opened fire on me. It was... Continue Reading →

She woke up breathless

She woke up breathlesstears socking in her eyes...and the pillow beneath her couldn’t handle all the cries Disillusioned by a nightmarethat hasn’t appeared to her in years Was it because her life has crumbledand the years spent has proven inept?Was it because she missed the lifeshe no longer could accept Being imprisoned in her own... Continue Reading →

My understanding of a Healthy Relationship… after years of Abuse

The idea of a stable healthy relationship has always been so far fetched that in my 16 years with him, all I knew was how much he hurt me and all I ever wanted is for that to stop, all I wanted was for the nice moments to last just a tad longer than they... Continue Reading →

Intense Callings

What’s the difference between liking someone and loving someone? What tips the scale... in family, is it the family bond? On a romantic level, is it physical attraction?… These questions triggered a whole insane therapy session, where I came to the knowledge that I don't really have those intense deep overwhelming feelings towards much in... Continue Reading →

Fear of Loss…

I think today marks the first time I ever thought twice before texting him... We met a few days ago and although after I left, I felt lighter and more confident than I have been in months, his silence this time scared me! It is still weightless. It is still intimate and passionate... It’s still... Continue Reading →

Was Lonelier with him than I am without Him…

All through my marriage, I was always in the defensive mode. Shielding myself from the accusations, seeing my life through his needs and myself through his critical eyes and trying to be not disapproved of. I would see discontent in his looks and lay awake wondering what have I done wrong now, how can he... Continue Reading →

I’m sorry the walls between reality and your innocence are fading…

We always want to show our children the best of the world, the kindness of the world, the beauty and positive, the love and compassion, the laughter and the passion. And when the cruel realities of life show itself in any form, we try to cover their eyes, shield them from the pain. They are... Continue Reading →

Missing You Tonight

I miss you… and it’s fucked-up I know,‘cause you’re not mine to miss or want or crave… but I do! I miss your scent, your touch and your smile..I miss giving myself to you… and feel it meltingI miss staring in your eyes without distress…I miss flirting and laughing and … the silence Do you... Continue Reading →

Relinquishing Control

I am with the kids all of damn time, I gave up everything to be hands on with them, but I am drained and over exhausted and sadly cannot stand hearing my own voice nagging and begging and trying to talk to two girls with all their complaints and requests and dramas at once any... Continue Reading →

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